One thing I have always struggled with is motivation. Growing up, I was a lazy child, doing homework the morning it was due, revising for an exam two days before, and somehow I always got away with it. However university is completely different. I wanted to be there, I wanted to be learning and I wanted a good degree. But what was the problem? I have no motivation.
Unfortunately this lack of motivation basically led me to depression. This may seem ridiculous but thats what it did. The whole buzz of being at university wore off for me in a matter of months, and I became a bit of a recluse, when everyone went out to start their day at university I would stay in bed until the afternoon, not even getting out of bed for food, my only happiness at that time was my boyfriend who I barely saw, and going on a night and getting that drunk I would forget my own name. I can’t understand where this came from, I can’t understand why I felt like this, other than the fact I had no motivation. I got myself into a routine where instead of going out in the morning and having a productive day and feeling good about everything, I would instead get up late, then realising I have wasted my day, back to bed I went. I felt like I had no purpose, but it was MY fault, so why couldn’t I fix it? I could cry all night at the fact I had no order in my life and that I locked myself away all day, and how lonely I felt.
It took me a long time and a lot of tears to realise that I was the one that needed to pick myself back up, I couldn’t stay in bed all day and cry, waiting for my boyfriend to come back and cheer me up. Since when did I start thinking my happiness was dependant entirely on somebody else? I realised I needed to snap out of that, pick myself back up and stop relying on other people to make me happy. That was hard, where can you suddenly get motivation to sort your life out from, it seemed impossible. I had to start forcing myself to actually wake up before noon and go into university and this did turn my life around, after a few weeks of forcing myself I was happy to do it. I was back to my normal self.
Although I’m aware of why I got depressed, I still sometimes fall back into that routine and can ignore my friends for days, even pretending I’m not home. It’s difficult when I fall back into it but at least I know now that I am capable of picking myself back up, and I have a lot of motivating people in my life that are always willing to help me when I’m down. I still love university and wouldn’t change going if I had the choice, it’s helping me understand who I am and what I need to be happy, and one thing I definitely need to be happy is motivation.